Who are you?
by kompletelykrazykay
Summary: A collection of crack's and 2P's, starring our favorite, maple syrup loving, bear hugging, puck throwing invisible nation! Rated T for 2P Canada!
1. Chapter 1: Secondpersonalitium

In Eastern Prussia, in the 1800's, rumors of a vicious creature had started to spread, eventually leaking into the rest of Europe. Mayhem, hysteria, near anarchy broke out, until Austria put the rumors to an end, saying this beast didn't exist. However skeptical and reasonable Austria had been, even if he seemed to confirm nonexistence himself, he was lying. Austria was the second, and this is why he had the nonexistence of the monsters confirmed.

Vampires.

Naturally, if word had gotten out, fingers would point to Romania. Of course they would be wrong. The only greater secret was that Prussia was not truly albino.

_He_ was the head Vampire.

They continued to infect the other countries. Hungary was another early vampire, although it is unclear whether it was Austria or Prussia bit her. But, before anyone could notice their lack of daytime activity time, Austria took a trip to England and bit the Brit as well. England then cast his protection charms over the other nations.

Now, properly charmed, Prussia could go on and bite Germany. After this, things calmed down for a while, until, of course, World War Two. In the process of their defeat, Germany bit N. Italy and Japan. Naturally, N. Italy bit S. Italy bit Spain bit France, and Japan bit China bit Hong Kong and Taiwan and Korea. Greece was soon to follow, and is another vampire who's biter is unknown, although France and Japan are highly likely offenders.

Prussia once again became bored as things slowed down, and decided to launch a vampire attack on Ukraine, who bit Belarus, who bit Russia, the Trembling Trio, and the Nordic five all within the same half hour. Of course, even those who couldn't read the atmosphere could tell something was terribly wrong when N. Italy finally snapped and struck down a beautiful woman. That's when America, having somehow evaded the Vampirism, took cover, hoping Switzerland and Lichtenstein would help. Of course, no one messed with Switzerland, and in turn Lichtenstein. Both were entirely out of the question, leaving America alone.

America was quite a fighter, but he was no match for even one vampire, so when thirty vampire nations descended on him, he couldn't do anything, leaving America the last the join the vampire ranks.

So the nations started to settle back into their normal lives, but only as Vampires with abnormal outbursts of rage and strength, spreading terror everywhere (except Switzerland, of course). And, by accident, Russia made another nuclear plant near Ukraine explode while trying to hide from the even scarier Vampire Belarus. However, this particular plant released an element into the air called Secondpersonalitium, or 2P. This would have caused all the nations to act the exact opposite of themselves, but, all the nations were vampires, so the element had no effect on them. Because of this lack of effect, they ignored the problem, and it eventually spread. Every nation was a Vampire, so they were all safe.

Or were they?

Meet Canada.

Canada was always overshadowed by his brother, America, and was often not scene, therefore, the invisible country. But, once the Secondpersonalitium spread to Canada, things started to change. Canada started to experience violent mood swings, random temper fits, along with the urge and ability to be abnormally loud. Poor Canada became his worst nightmare. A sudden love of guns presented itself, along with cravings for violence and a hatred of quiet. He suddenly became very negative, and this is when he decided to kill himself by Maple Syrup overdose.

Then he remembered; the other countries were Vampires. They all ignored him as he simply sat in the corner, watching as each country was bitten, never being harmed himself.

So, Canada did some internet research on how to return Vampires to normal because, after all, it'd be a terrible shock when 2P Canada suddenly took over the world. Of course, he found the usual "wooden stake" and "silver bullet" nonsense, but all of that would surly kill the other nations. Suddenly he stumbled upon the theory that if you killed the head Vampire, the first one, then you'd free the others from being Vampires themselves.

Canada thought about that for a while, using his uncanny, quiet intelligence to narrow down the search to the oldest countries. His first stop: hunting down Ancient Rome. Canada boldly paraded to the beach where he's observed Ancient Rome magically appear and preform on several occasions (Yes, he was on the beach when the Allies attacked the Axis, they just didn't see him. Same in Paint it White, and any other beach/Rome occasion.) Of course, Rome only appeared Italian style, singing and the whole nine yards. Canada didn't pay attention to the man, but to his voice, listening for any hissing, which could betray the presence of Vampire fangs.

Suddenly, Canada drew the conclusion that none of the ancient empires that were nonexistent today had been turned into Vampires. He crossed Rome off his list, and contemplated crossing out both Austria and Prussia, but decided against it since he had seen Prussia bite Austria. Canada thought about that as he walked away from the now offended Roman.

Suddenly Canada stopped in his tracks. Prussia . . .

Canada shouldered his machine gun, and started towards Prussia's.

Canada kicked open the door, badass style, and stared at the Prussian, who was murmuring "_Keseseses_," at himself in the mirror. Prussia jumped at the sound of the door slamming, and turned, startled, towards Canada.

Of course, Prussia had no clue in who was standing there with a gun and a shocking similarity to America. Of course, he dismissed all differences and assumed it to be an angry America.

"Oi, America, be easy on my awesome door!" Prussia growled, "Don't make me call West!"

"I'm not America," Canada said menacingly.

"Then who the hell are you, then!?" Prussia yelled, stepping closer to the 2P Canadian.

"Who am I?" Canada asks quietly. He suddenly lunges forwards and grabs Prussia by the collar of his shirt. "WHO AM I!?" Prussia gulps, his red eyes darting around the blonde's face. Canada through the 'albino' to the floor and swung his gun in front of him, aiming at Prussia's head. "I'M CANADA!"

And with a shiver of delight, Canada lets loose about half the rounds in the machine gun on the head vampire, saved the world from Vampires, but went completely, 2P insane while at it.

Fin

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**So? What do you guys think?**

**I'm thinking of making this into a collection of Canada 2P's and Cracks . . . **

**Please review!**


	2. Chapter 2: The Melancholy of Kuma

**Well, here's another addition to my weird Canada fics.**

**This collection won't be updated regularly, just when something comes up that I think is interesting in the Canadaverse. **

**So, in this story, you should know that I've changed Kumajiro's name to Kumajira, and that Kumajira is Canada's teenage daughter. **

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"But daddy!" Kuma yelled like the little brat she was.

"N-no, Kumajira, you can't see him again!" Canada scolded his disobedient daughter.

Kumajira was a striking girl with bobbed white-blond hair and big brown eyes. She had a red maple leaf tattoo peeking out from under her hair on the nap of her neck and a grand total sixteen piercings on her facial area along with a belly button ring. (Five on her right ear, seven on her left, one in her nose, two in her eyebrow, one in her lip) She wore lipstick the same red as her maple leaf tattoo, her eyelids a smoky gray. Fake lashes reached her eyebrows and black eyeliner quirked into cat eyes. Her face was surprisingly round for such a rebellious child, but her nails were kept long and were nearly as sharp as bear claws, and she could use them. Long story short, this girl looked and acted feral.

"I'm sixteen I can do what I want!" she yelled, dropping on the floor, going into an all-out hissy fit.

"No you can't! Kuma, stop that right now!" Canada tried to be stern, but his voice just couldn't reach that level. "Stop, or I'll take your car away from you!"

She suddenly goes quiet, "You wouldn't."

"Yes I would."

"Not if I call him. He'd stop you."

"He doesn't even know me!"

"Well if you weren't so damn invisible maybe he would!" Kuma jumped up and ran outside.

Canada gasped, knowing exactly what she was doing. "Stop now, young lady!"

She was already in her car. She yelled, "Maple you!" before tearing out the driveway. Canada seethed internally, dragging himself back to the house. He had to do something about this girl. He mustered up some courage and stormed his daughter's room. First things first; destroy her things, and forget what happened last week.

Well, last week, Kuma ran away to meet _him_. Canada hated him; he never remembered Canada's name, and wanted to steal his little girl. Canada vowed he would get revenge on the insane bastard.

Russia.

Just the other day, his little Kuma was going around singing some weird little song about becoming one with Russia. Canada would never allow that! Russia was a freaky vodka addict who is married to his sister! (According to Belarus, the marriage part at least) Kumajira had gone as far as getting the Russian flag tattooed on her ankle! So, when Canada saw that tattoo of betrayal, he decided what he would have to do if she ran off again. So she has, so his plans are set in action.

The first thing to do is to call Russia himself. Canada mustered up his courage, for his little girl, and called the Russian giant. His hone shook in his hand as the ringing stopped and someone picked up.

"Da?" Russia answered the line.

"Y-yes," Canada started, only to be cut off.

"Who is this? You sound vaguely familiar, but I can't place your name."

Canada slowly became frustrated, "I'm Canada! And I want you to stay away from my daughter!"

"Who?"

"Maple!" Canada yelled into the phone before hanging up quickly.

Meanwhile, Russia sat in his living room, looking at the phone, utterly confused. Kumajira had recently arrived (because the countries have amazing super powers and so do their offspring) and was sitting all slut-like next to Russia. "Who was that?" she asked in faux innocence.

"Somebody asking for someone named Maple," Russia smiled pleasantly. "I know of no such woman. Do you know Maple?"

Kuma lied smoothly, knowing only her father would use such language, "No, I wonder if they had the wrong number?"

Back in Canada, Canada was making one very fateful phone call. He stared at his phone, knowing one person could help him, and would help him. Should he call him? Maybe this would be too harsh on his daughter, considering he just burned most of her belongings . . . nah. He picked up his phone and dialed for the evil wizard of the Hetalia world.

"'Ello?" England answered chirpily, which usually meant 'I'm making scones!'

"England, I need your help."

"Who's this?"

"It's Canada," he sighed, giving up entirely. "I need you to help me with Kumajira."

All the way over in the UK, England sweat dropped. He smiled carefully, hoping the smile showed on his voice. It didn't. "Ah, she's a . . . lovely girl . . ."

"S-she ran off with Russia," Canada says. "She has to come home eventually, and I want to teach her a lesson."

"Hm," England murmured, intrigued. "So, how do you know Kumajira?"

"I'm her father!"

"What?" England puzzled. "Oh well. What was your name again?"

"I'm Canada!" he said louder into the phone. "Can you come to my place, in Canada, and help me?"

"Um . . . sure?" England agreed cautiously, only doing so because he saw an opportunity to use magic. Flying Mint Bunny agreed with him, and instead of waiting for him to start the adventure, FMB took off ahead of him. England failed to notice said departure and paid no mind to his missing minty friend.

Little do most people know, but Flying Mint Bunny has his own magical cult that turns people into animals that they think are befitting of their behavior. So, Flying Mint Bunny called an emergency magical animal meeting to see if they should take action. Of course, they decided that Flying Mint Bunny himself should help out and take care of the problem.

Meanwhile, England was trying to figure out where the bloody hell Canada lived, only to find it shortly after FMB. So, FMB, England, and Canada all staked out in the bushes waiting for Kumajira to come running back home. They were a very good spy team, since few people ever took account of Canada, most people couldn't see Flying Mint Bunny, and England was a damn good spy. Eventually the rebellious teenager came home, and that's when FMB saw his chance to act.

Flying Mint Bunny swooped down and flew around Kumajira, her not noticing anything and England too dumbstruck to move. Flying Mint Bunny dropped Flying Mint Bunny dust on Kumajira and suddenly she started glowing and floating (like Kenai in Brother Bear) and her car proceeded to crash into the living room. Canada and England both stared as suddenly, the glowing stopped, and a small white polar bear sat on the ground.

"What the maple just happened!" it asked in a cute, small voice. "Canada . . . CANADA! WHY ARE MY HANDS FURRY!?"

"You turned her into a bear?" Canada asked, not with anger, but with pure curiosity. He and England stood up.

"Um . . ." England looked around and found Flying Mint Bunny smiling smugly at his work. "Yes."

"Good choice."

So from that day forward, Kumajira officially hated Canada. And, to annoy him, she always asked who he was. Canada changed her name to Kumajiro, implying she was a guy, which made her even madder. What made it worse was when Canada purposefully said the wrong name.

And this is the story of Kumajira/Kumajiro and Canada.

Fin.

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**I loved writing this :) So yea, this is my theory behind Kuma and Canada's relationship. **

**Reviews are appreciated! **


	3. Chapter 3: OTP

**This one is kind of short, but I couldn't resist X3 (It's also been collecting dust for about a month and I haven't updated this story in a while) **

**Enjoy! ^J^**

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_Shit. Shit shit shit. There Is no way this is real . . ._ "A-America!" I yell. He comes into my living room, chugging some grade A amber maple syrup. "Do you know about this?" He looks over my shoulder at my computer.

Hungary told me to look at a website called and to filter through to that stupid show we got sucked into and put me, Canada, as the character search.

I'm officially PruCanophobic.

Nearly every entry about me . . . is a pairing with Prussia. "This number, down here . . . where It says 1,400 something . . . is that stories?"

"I think its pages."

"I sincerely hope it's stories," I say quickly. "How'd you find this?

"Who didn't know about it?" America laughs. "You should see some of the other stuff they put up! Look under romance and click N. Italy!" I do so, selecting Feliciano's character and hitting the go button, knowing I was going to regret this anyways. The number at the bottom: 3,000. I scroll through and find much to my horror the majority is paired with Germany. "This pairing is called GerIta. You and Prussia is PruCan." I shakily point to a N. and S. Italy pairing. "Itacest. Oh! Put in Romano!" I do and Spain seems to always be paired with the Italian. I snicker quietly at this. "That is Spamano."

"Very clever," I nod. "Who else would there be interesting pairings for? What about France?" I think of my brother and click on his name. "England. France and England."

"And that, my friend, is FrUk." Alfred takes another drawl from my syrup hoard. "It's all FrUk. All 2,000 results."

"Um . . ." I cough, clearing my throat. Hm, the man who raised me and the man who raised America? Okay . . . "What about Japan?"

"I don't know. Put it in the browser, my dear, innocent brother, and see just what the people think about." America continues chugging my syrup. He chokes on the syrup as I read out the Japan pairings. "Japan and Greece, more Japan and Greece, Japan and America . . . and more Japan and America . . ."

"WHAT?"

"You said to check it out," I sit back and let him scroll through.

"At least it's mostly Japan and Greece," America sighs. I get an evil idea, a plan so hideous I might end up being cut off from America's economy forever. I'll risk it.

"Have you looked yourself up?" I ask, my true intent lurking behind my words. I quickly replace Japan with America. "Let's see, what is this, UsUk? Could that possibly be America and England?" I tease him quietly. "America England, America England, America England . . ." I read off.

He does a spit take, but instead of a fine mist of water, it's a sheet of sticky syrup. His face goes beat red. "Um…"

"And it looks like your pairing with Belarus is very popular," I laugh quietly. "And what about Russia?" I smile at the torture I'm putting on my brother. He turns a shade of green and reads through these strange pairings. His face transforms to red. "What?" he points, his finger hovering over the pairing. He's gone back three pages, and the first result . . .

America and Canada.

My eyes go wide behind my glasses, and I quickly take them off, rubbing them on the hem of my shirt, and look again. It's still there. I scroll down a bit and it seems to only get increasingly popular. I glance at my brother out of the corner of my eye.

"I bet it's just friendship," he says quickly, nodding to himself. I nod too then look back to the genres. Romance. Each one Romance. Rated T. T. M. "Oookkaayyy enough of that," he reached over my shoulder and turns the monitor off, quickly pulling his arm back to him. I stood from my chair awkwardly.

"Um . . . You know, I'll just be in my room . . ." I twist towards the hall my room was in, on the opposite side of the house of America's guest room.

"Yea, yea, I'll be in my room, too."

And with that, we turned and darted our separate ways, never to turn that monitor back on and chance seeing . . . _that _. . . again.

That worked for a few months, and things settled over again. But then Japan asked us over to check out a new art style that had become popular. What was it called, Doujinshi? He took care to show me a horrifying illustration of my brother and I first.

I have yet to talk to Japan to this day.

_Meanwhile, an evil little Hungary tells all the nations about this wonderful yaoi paradise, slowly causing the entire economic system of the Earth to crumble to the ground._

_**The End**  
_

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**Reviews are appreciated!**


	4. Chapter 4: Invisible

**I can promise this will be just about the only time I update twice within one week (hehe yea . . .) But I HAD to update again when I looked at this story and found that it suddenly got almost a hundred views overnight! (I feel so popular ;D lolz~ the story of being antisocial) I really appreciate seeing such a response for the result of my boredom, so as a bit of a bonus and because this was also gathering dust, here's chapter 4: Invisible.**

**This brings back the rare element of Secondpersonalitium and the strange mind of Russia ^J^ Loosely based off of something PrussiaBacon and I talked about once.**

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Once upon a world meeting, Canada was invisible.

No, no, not no-one-pays-attention invisible, but actually invisible. Canada wanted to show the other nations his achievement of making a real life invisibility cloak for his military, and thought that, as he walked in and was only a floating head, someone would notice.

He was mostly wrong.

"Hey guys!" he said in his strongest voice. No one noticed. "Guys!" Still, not a head turned his way. Canada had gotten used to being ignored, but now it was starting to get a wee bit annoying. "Guy's will you look at me? I'm invisible! I'm a floating head!" Eventually Canada took off the cloak and started dancing in the middle of the table. He danced around, from Gangnam Style to Carmelldansen to the Hokey Pokey. Still, none of the nation's saw him.

Canada was finally fed up. So, he took a pen, put his cloak on, and started poking America, who still didn't notice his brother at all. "America!" Canada shouted in his ear. But, poor Canada, he didn't realize he had the cloak on fully and entirely, blocking his voice. So, angry and misunderstanding the entire situation, he stabbed America in the temple with the pen.

Every nation stopped what they were doing and looked at America, his face on the table, a pool of blood gathering around him. England approached his brother carefully. "Alfred . . . Alfred!"

Suddenly everyone was running about. Switzerland had his hands over Lichtenstein's eyes, Sealand ran form his hiding place, Germany dragged N. Italy away while Spain did the same to S. Italy. The room was total chaos, and in the end, only France and England were left with America in the room.

And no one even saw Canada.

He fumed, waving his hand with Alfred's blood on it in front of France's face. France! His own brother! He did the same to England, yelling at them, only to no be noticed.

"Fine," Canada glared at them, holding his pen. "You asked for it." He watched France's face as a pen lodged itself in England's head. "Hehe, what do you think, Kumajiro. Kumajiro?" Canada noticed his little bear was gone just about then, so he wandered off to look for him, leaving France to stare at the two dead nations in front of him.

Meanwhile, Russia stood in Canada's kitchen, the powdered form of Secondpersonalitium in his hand. He carefully mixed a little bit in with the Canadian's maple syrup. Maybe, just maybe, Canada would kill everyone and Russia could rule the world. He smiles pleasantly.

That smile was the last expression on his face, because Canada had come home. Naturally, he took a hock stick to the guy standing in his kitchen messing with his syrup. Only later did Canada realize that he killed Russia, and felt a bit of pride at that. He sucked down the drugged jug of maple syrup.

Canada felt a terrifying rage grow inside him. So, sharpening his hatchet and tightening his cloak, he set out Europe.

Somewhere along the way, a certain Albino with a soft spot for the Canadian spotted him looking as if he would murder any nation he happened across. Prussia decided to follow Canada for the time being, so he wouldn't be killed in a very Canadian sort of way. Canada started with Spain that day.

So, Canada, in his rampage, cut the Spaniards head off, and stuck a hockey puck down the man's dead throat. Prussia followed the wreckage, stopping at his friend's body (only identifiable because of dat ass) and found his severed head. Prussia unconsciously rubbed his neck, looking in the direction Canada was going in. Suddenly, Prussia realized he was heading for France!

"France! Look out!" Prussia yelled from outside France's mansion. France ran out of the place, trying to figure out what was going on, while Prussia watched the floating head running at them. "You can't see him!?"

"No, who?"

"I'M CANADA!" Canada yelled before super jumping and slamming his ax into France's head with such force that his older brother was split perfectly in half. Canada turned to Prussia.

"Canada, calm down!" Prussia begged, backing away from Canada.

"Wait . . ." Canada stopped walking. "You can see me?"

Prussia smiled, "Of course I can see you! That'd be so unawesome if I couldn't!"

So the day was saved by a very strange pairing, even though Canada killed both of Prussia's best friends. Anyways, the Secondpersonalitium ran its course, leaving a very depressed Canada and Prussian. Both fell into bottomless pits of depression, dying their hair black, getting strange tattoos and piercings, and made a goth-rock back together, getting drunk, laid, or drunk and laid every night.

So, children, that is why Canadian's are very, very dangerous, along with those who live near the border, or have maple syrup addictions and will hurt you if you don't like maple syrup.

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**I think this crack was shorter than the last one . . . oh well!**

**But seriously, thank you thank you thank you for all the reads or views and such! *Hugs for all (except France, Sweden, and Switzerland)***


	5. Chapter 5: Letters from Sanity (part 1)

**Sooo I've kinda been not doing anything on fanfiction for a looong time...**

**And, well, in that time I was emailed by a very peculiar person. I'm waiting for his final response.**

***please note all interactions portrayed are fictional and for your possible amusement, because, sadly, Hetalia isn't real (as far as I know)***

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Dear Fans,

I'm terribly sorry on how Kay has portrayed me. I am not a mean nation, I promise! I am very, very kind, and I could never dream of hurting America, or England, or France, or Spain, or Russia, or Prussia. They all have their down falls, especially America, but that would be no reason to violently murder them under the influence of rare elements like Secondpersonalitium.

But I think I should tell you about the dangers of this substance. Secondpersonalitium is very unstable, much like Russia tends to be. But I promise you, I have never, NEVER consumed Secondpersonalitium. Kay might like to think this element is a mere joke, but I will assure you, it is anything but. Secondpersonalitium, or 2P, can be found just about everywhere. There is a small cluster of the element deep inside each of our brains, that if triggered, can cause someone to have split personality. It is also a main ingredient in Vodka and many other alcohols, sugars, and drugs. The power of 2P is not to be messed with.

So, in short, I am asking Kay to stop her rude writing of false stories about me and my life. Why does it amuse her to write as if I am a psychotic murderer? I also wonder why this pitiful collection of lies has nearly 800 views. I am sincerely glad it is not many more than that, or else this situation would have been a lot worse.

Thank you for your time

Matthew "Canada" Williams

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Dear Matthew "Canada" Williams (and fans),

I would like to promise you that I never intended to make you uncomfortable. I have a great love of Canada, and Maple Syrup, especially since I grew up extremely close to the Canadian border. Canada is in my blood, and I thought that you would understand my seemingly psychotic desire to make you seem insane. See, Mattie, this is not about what you really have done, but more about what you will never do. And, although 700 might not seem like a large number to some fictioners, it is to me. Mattie, this is my most viewed piece. Do you not respect that?

You must understand that, months after I've thought of abandoning it, a new favorite and follow popped up in my emails. It made my little mostly American but partly Canadian heart sing with joy! "Who Are You?" Is my babay, starring you, Mr. Williams, and I would very much appreciate you allowing me to continue on with this piece and develop new crack fictions for the people's enjoyment.

Sincerely,

With lots of love,

Cordially,

Kay

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Dear Kay,

I had no idea this meant so much to you, or that this messed up miniature world of yours was actually worth something (in someone's mind). I thought this piece was making fun of me, was taunting me and my existence, but now I see it is really a show of love and affection toward the great nation of Canada.

Are you part Canadian? I might take you more seriously if you were.

Sincerely,

Matthew "Canada" Williams

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Dear Matthew "Canada" Williams,

Yes, I am part Canadian. An old family legend says that my family used to live in Canada. We had a very strange job: We stole goats. My family was goat stealers. Eventually the law caught up to us, forcing us to leave the beautiful land of Canada and jump over the border. We then changed our last name to what it is today.

So, Mattie, my love, will you let me proceed with this intense crack fic, all about you and what you will never do?

Love,

Kay

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**Here's the optional story:**

**I suddenly started getting favorites and stuff on "Who Are You?" just out of the blue, and it suddenly started getting a semi-steady stream of views, so I thought, "I should start working on this little crack thing again!" I'm currently at writing camp and decided to put this up because I was inspired to (*^*) I don't know if 800 is actually a large number, considering it's been about seven months, but just the fact that it's suddenly getting some attention really hits the feels.**

**_Will Matthew accept Kay's condolences? Will he forgive her and allow her to continue to portray him strangely in her fanfiction? Find out next time on, "Who Are You?"_  
**


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